


The Choice

by Mary_Ellen_G



Series: The Choice [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: As seen on Tumblr, F/M, I know it's cliche, I'll be in my dumpster, Please be nice, Reader-Insert, but I felt like it, i'm trash, so i did it, to have the reader wake up in a different universe, with all the other trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-24 05:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9703727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_Ellen_G/pseuds/Mary_Ellen_G
Summary: "When you wake up, there’s an odd humming in your ears and you’re flat on a hard surface. You remember drinking the night before, and you figure you must have fallen off the couch and slept on the floor.There’s a light against your eyelids, and you throw your hand over your eyes.“Halt. Intruder! Get up slowly with your hands up.”"You wake up in the Star Wars universe after a night of drinking. It goes about as well as expected.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s Friday, and while the day should be fantastic, you’re having a hard day. You have a horrible day at work, with a student who puked at his desk and then an angry phone call from a parent later, regarding a grade. You’re annoyed and drained enough, because honestly a parent really should not be that upset about a lack of a star on their third grader’s paper, and when you arrive at your apartment your head and shoulders are aching. You’ve barely sat down on the couch when your phone rings. You drop your head back against the back of the couch and answer blindly, praying that a parent didn’t somehow get hold of your personal phone number.

“Hello?”

“Y/N?”

“Hi, Mom. What do you need?”

Your mom’s voice is tight. “Well, I have bad news. I know that we had plans to have dinner, but-“

“Mom,” you whine. “This is the third time you and Dad were supposed to have dinner with me. I thought the reason you moved here was to see me more,” you argue cutting to the chase as you stand and go to pour yourself a glass of wine.

“Honey, I’m sorry. We just got invited to a thing with the Washburns, and they’re not in town often, and we can see you-“

“Mom, I understand,” you say, taking a long drink of pinot noir. “Look, I’m going to go, okay? I had a rough day at work and I’d really like to order some Thai and drink a bottle or two of wine.”

You hang up with your mom, feeling tears well up in your eyes. You can’t believe that this is happening. It’s the third time that your parents have cancelled on you since moving closer to you, and with the week you’ve had it’s just another blow.

You hang your head and cry, wishing with all your heart that you weren’t here.

“I can’t believe this,” you say to your empty apartment. “I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe this is my life.”

You let out a strangled sob. “I wish I wasn’t here anymore.”

You spend the rest of the night drinking wine and watching Shameless, before you pass out on the couch close to midnight.

 

***

 

When you wake up, there’s an odd humming in your ears and you’re flat on a hard surface. You remember drinking the night before, and you figure you must have fallen off the couch and slept on the floor.

There’s a light against your eyelids, and you throw your hand over your eyes.

“Halt. Intruder! Get up slowly with your hands up.”

You must have left the TV on. You move to roll away from the noise, but a hand suddenly grabs your arm and your eyes wrench open.

You’re face to face with two storm troopers. You shake your head as you’re hauled to your feet.

“What are you doing here?” the voice asks.

“Holy shit. You’re a Stormtrooper. You guys are Stormtroopers. Where am I?”

Your mind is completely not making sense of the situation. It feels so real, but how the hell would you get here? You have to be having some sort of crazy acid-trip dream, but it all feels real. The armored hands on your arms feel like they’re really there.

“How did you get here?” The one demands, not answering your question.

They drag you out of the room, and you struggle to keep up with their gait.

“I have no idea. I fell asleep on my couch last night and woke up here. But honestly, where am I? What kind of joke is this?”

“This is the First Order, intruder. How did you get here?”

You shake your head. “The First Order? Oh shit. Oh, shit you guys are First Order troops. Does that mean you’re taking me to Kylo Ren? Oh, my gosh.”

The drag you down the hall, no longer talking to you.

“Wait, is he going to kill me?! Because I swear, I have no idea how I got here. I’m not from this universe,” you say as the door opens and they drag you into a torture room reminiscent of the one you watched Rey and Poe Dameron tortured in. Your brain is moving 100 miles per hour as you try to figure out how your dream is this real.

“No, no. Not this room,” you say as they strap you down. “Fuck.”

A droid whirrs near the door, but doesn’t make its way toward you. It’s vaguely menacing, covered in weird implements that you don’t want to know the function of.

They leave and you sit silently for a long moment, considering your options. You’re obviously still asleep, but part of you genuinely believes this is where you are. You don’t _feel_ asleep. You can smell the metal and oil in the room, and you can feel the restraints rubbing at your arms. It actually hurts, and it’s not a good sign. You war with yourself, knowing that there is no possible way for this to be real. You really should stop drinking wine…

When the door slides open again, _he_ sweeps in and you’re sort of blindsided by the power he carries himself with. He’s much taller in real life, and he exudes strength and violence. You gasp involuntarily, and he stares at you.

“Are you with the Resistance?” He asks, tilting his head. His voice is dangerously quiet, and it sends an intense feeling through you- it’s a chill followed by fire, and you can feel your face heat up. The tension in the room is palpable, and you feel like you could reach out and wade through it.

“No. I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not even from this universe. I have to be dreaming,” you hurry to say, stumbling over the words. It’s suddenly so real, and your heart pounds in your chest. “I’m from a planet called Earth- we have no Empire, or First Order, or Resistance, or Jedi. We don’t even have space travel, much less the force! You’re a _story_ where I come from. You aren’t supposed to be real.”

You’re panicking now, shaking in your restraints. You’re absolutely certain that he’s going to kill you, and you will never see your family again. You can’t think of any worse fate than being taken from your home by a mysterious force and killed by a fictional character.

He steps forward and presses his hands against your face, and suddenly your minds flashes white in pain.

You can _feel_ him digging through your brain with the force, in the most real way possible, and your head pounds with pain as he sorts through your memories to find evidence of ties to the Resistance. He rewinds through the last few hours, to the wine, and your phone call with your mom, and your boss’s harsh words.

It feels like he goes through your memories for days, but in reality, you know it couldn’t have been that long.

When he lets you go, you suck in a deep breath as if you’ve been underwater for hours. Tears are rolling down your face, and you feel unexplainably violated. You can still feel him near, in some sort of inexplicably personal way- it feels like he’s lingering in your brain. You wish you could scrub it clean.

“How did you get here?” he asks, in a deep, rumbling voice through his mask.

“I don’t know,” you say honestly, your voice shaking. “I really don’t know. I wished I wasn’t at home, but I have no idea how that got me here.”

He seems to stare at you for a long moment before taking off his helmet, and revealing his face. You shouldn’t be shocked; you know who he is, and what he looks like. He’s Adam Driver- all nose and ears and angular features. What shocks you, you think, is the emotion in his eyes. It’s something that doesn’t come through on a screen- even an IMAX.

He meets your gaze and you tilt your head.

“I don’t believe you.”

You sigh.

“You’re Kylo Ren. Right now we’re on the Finalizer, which is a big Resurgent-class Battlecruiser. You’re the master of the Knights of Ren, who are allied with the First Order. The Order is led by Supreme Leader Snoke, who is creepy as hell and has a really weird face, if I may say.”

Kylo’s eyes narrow as you rattle off information and you can feel his interest build, so you keep going.

“Your mission is to wipe out the remaining Jedi, so you’re out to find and eliminate Luke Skywalker. Which is super funny, because he’s your uncle- he’s the twin brother of your mom, Leia Organa. Which makes you Ben Solo, or Ben Organa. Which one is it, by the way? I know that Alderaan is a matriarchal society so usually men take women’s names-“

You shut your mouth as Kylo’s lightsaber jolts to life and he slices into the chair directly to the left of your head. You shriek in terror, leaning as far away from the blade as you can. You can feel the heat of it on your cheek, and you squeeze your eyes closed, trying to wake up.  

“Shut. Up.” Kylo instructs, and you take a deep breath but don’t respond.

When he powers down his lightsaber you let out a sigh of relief, and he undoes your restraints with the force and allows you to drop to the ground.

“How do you know that, if you aren’t Resistance scum?”

You rub your wrists as you stand shakily.

“Where I come from, this is all a story. You’re a character, as are the rest of the people in this world. I grew up with stories of your mother, and your father, and your uncle. I watched as your grandfather was born and discovered by Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and I watched as he fell in love with Queen Amidala and turned to the dark side. I cried when she died, and when Order 66 was executed and the Jedi fell. I know all of this as a _story_. I know so much…” you trail off, looking away from him.

“Then what of me?” he asks, stepping closer to you. His voice is quiet, but you can’t help but feel a sense of dread.

“I don’t know,” you say, your voice hoarse and frightened. “I know that you try to find the map to Skywalker and are thwarted by Rey and the rest of the Resistance. I know that you killed your father and that your mother grieves for you,” you whisper.

He clenches his fists.

“So, you know nothing of the future?”

You look up at him with wide eyes. “That’s already happened? Well, then no, I suppose I don’t.”

You flinch away from him, expecting him to kill you, but he doesn’t.

There’s a long beat of silence before you ask, “What are you going to do with me?”

He doesn’t answer, merely stares at you for a long moment.

“Are you going to kill me?” you whisper, and there’s a long beat of silence before he grabs you by the arm and drags you out of the room.

He pulls you through corridors with a commanding, extensive stride that has you jogging to keep up with him.

He finally tugs you into a room, and you stumble in as he lets go of your arm.

“You will stay here. You will do what is asked of you without resistance, and you will not ask questions or you will be killed. You will not leave, or you will be killed. It will be determined later what will be done with you. Until then, you will reside here. Phasma will assign someone to attend to you if need-be.”

He gestures to what looks like an intercom or call system before turning on his heel and sweeping from the room with a strength that seems to pull the air from your lungs.

You can’t help but feel weak.


	2. Chapter 2

After a few moments of gasping breath, you take stock of your situation.

The room you’re in is well furnished- it’s nothing like what you expected on a ship called the _Finalizer_ to say the very least. The color tone is dark and neutral, and the metallic motif is a bit off-putting, but it altogether just feels like a normal apartment.

You’re stuck with the First Order, which is not exactly the first organization you would have picked to be whisked off to in the Star Wars ‘verse. Sure, Kylo Ren is pretty hot, but the Resistance aligns much more with your own moral compass.

You can still feel remnants of him, and you have no idea why. No one in the movies ever explained exactly how it works when someone penetrates your thoughts, and for a moment you wonder if you’ve gone insane. 

The situation is shitty. You’re a hostage, which means you’re at the bottom of the totem-pole of an organization that, to you, appears to be predatory at the very least. You have no doubt that you’ll be the sheep in this scenario, and you’re not looking forward to being eaten.

However, it should count for something that Kylo has not only neglected to murder you, but has also stuck you in a pretty sweet pad for the time being.

You’re nervous about what he’s going to do. He still has the option to kill you, and you’re very obviously at his mercy. You assume he’s consulting with Hux or Snoke, and you assume that the values of the Order don’t exactly leave room for caring for people from different universes, as innocent as they may be.

You investigate the apartment room further in an effort to distract yourself from the very real possibly of Kylo Ren returning any moment to brutally murder you.

The apartment is clean and sizeable, and the bed is comfortable.

You’ve only just flopped down on it when you hear the door slide open and you rise to meet the figure in the doorway.

You recognize Captain Phasma by her impressive stature and shining uniform. She stands in the doorway for a long moment before striding into the room, with a droid following closely behind. The protocol droid is carrying food, and sets it on the table before leaving quickly. Phasma is still standing there, and you’re unnerved by her presence. You’re not one to speak first, so you stare awkwardly at her for what feels like an eternity before she speaks.

“You may think you are safe, but you will die here.”

With that, she turns on her heel and sweeps from the room.

You stand for a long moment, mouth wide open, floundering to understand what just happened.

Your legs finally collapse, the food on the table all but forgotten, and drop your head into your hands with a bitter laugh.

_How did this happen?_

Your thoughts race as you try to figure out how it’s at all possible for you to be on the Finalizer right now. You remember being taught in that Physics class you hated in college that there are theoretically an infinite number of universes. So, theoretically, this universe could actually exist. That still doesn’t explain how in the world (worlds?) you got here. Despite what you may have believed when you were 8, wishes don’t actually work. There is no way that you _wished_ yourself into a different, fictional universe.

Your head is spinning, and you’re beginning to feel faint. You make your way to the bed once again, crawling up onto the blankets and laying down. You don’t bother to climb under the blankets; if you really are just going to be murdered there’s no sense in unmaking the bed.

You lay there for a long time, trying desperately to fall asleep, but you can’t.

You begin to cry eventually, as you realize that you still haven’t woken up again. You pinch yourself and beat at your head with closed fists, but you still refuse to wake up. It’s disturbing and terrifying, and you work yourself into such a frenzy that you can’t hear the door slide open over the sounds of your panic attack- induced sobbing.

“Stop,” a voice commands, and you nearly fall off the bed in shock.

Kylo Ren is standing in front of you once again, with his mask on. Your hands shake and the fear brings another round of hysterics. You let out a choked sob, and he reaches up to remove his helmet once again.

“What is your name?” he asks, and you flinch away.

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N.” you choke out.

“Breathe, Y/N,” he says slowly, and you get the distinct impression that he’s had previous experience with panic attacks. The thought succeeds to make him seem less terrifying to you; if you’ve both fought the same battle he might not be so horrible.

You work on breathing, and he eventually rests a hand gently on your head.

“How?” you finally gasp out. “How are you so gentle when you’re such the opposite?”

Kylo doesn’t answer, merely continues to stroke your hair as you breathe.

The companionship isn’t unpleasant. You can feel him sending calm to you, and while it should feel weird it succeeds in bringing you back down. You focus on him, on the calm he projects into you.

He’s still intimidating and fearsome, but he’s the son of Leia Organa, a woman you had admired throughout your entire life. Your mind flashes to her, and the comfort she gave you as a child- you always turned to her when you were teased for being different. He must have some of her in him, and the though gives you a confusing sort of comfort.

You eventually speak again.

“You’ve done this before,” you observe, sitting up and facing him as his hand falls to his side. His eyes search yours as you continue. “You’ve felt this. You’ve had someone help calm you down.”

Kylo Ren doesn’t respond, merely stares at you.

“Yes. At one point in time,” he admits.

You’re surprised by his admission, but you feel encouraged by it.

“You’re amazing to me,” you admit, and he tilts his head at you.

“Why?” he whispers.

“You’re just… you’re so dark, and so light. You’re just… I don’t understand. You’re so strong but you’re so divided. You killed your own father,” you can feel him tense at the mention, and it spurns you on. “See? You’re so… unexplainable. You’re a walking contradiction but you make it work. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be you.”

You lock eyes and you’re aware of the intimate closeness between you. He’s still got his hands on you, kneeling by the bed where you lay, and there’s electricity between you two. You’ve never felt it before, but there’s something between you.

He seems to consider what you’ve said for a moment before standing.

“Come with me. The Supreme Leader wants to meet you.”

He puts his helmet on before looking at you, and you can feel your heart begin to pound. Snoke is terrifying, and you’re not really into the idea of speaking with him. You wonder if you’ve done something wrong for Kylo to be taking you to him- you’d felt a connection with him mere moments ago, and now he’s taking you to, presumably, your death.

It’s a harrowing thought, and you swallow thickly before putting the thought out of your mind.

If Snoke wants to talk, you’ll give him a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short and boring, but I promise it gets better! Also, thank you SO MUCH for the feedback on the previous chapter! You guys are the best!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, I know, and I'm sorry. The next chapter is written, but I won't be able to post it until tomorrow because I have class in like, 15 minutes and then I've got a 2 hour drive. I hope you like it! The next one is coming soon, I promise!

_If Snoke wants to talk, you’ll give him a talk._

 

* * *

 

 

The base is not much different from the Finalizer. It’s unfamiliar in that it’s not the one you watched be destroyed, but it’s familiar in that it’s decorated in the cliché style of all villains. The hallways are dark and shining impeccably, and the walls and panels smell of cold metal and formality. It’s an interesting place, but you take in very little as Kylo drags you through a wide door and into a dark, damp room. Snoke is projected, in hologram form, in the center of the room.

Snoke is far more terrifying “in person.” While he’s merely a hologram, he still keeps a terrifying presence. You wonder where he actually is, though you know you’ll never be told. He’s an old, frail man with too much power- he knows better than to play his hand like that.

He doesn’t speak for a long moment, just peers down at you from his weird throne.

You make every attempt to stand tall, but you can hear your heart pounding in your chest. You imagine what you must look like- hair and clothes a mess, and your face streaked with makeup and dry tears. You hope you aren’t easily readable, but with the way he sits back comfortably, seemingly at ease, you think you must have given something away.

“What are you?”

“I’m a human,” you answer, the words feeling odd rolling off your tongue. “I’m from Earth.”

“No such planet exists,” he observes, tilting his head slightly. He doesn’t seem argumentative, merely curious.

“Well, on Earth _you_ don’t exist, so do with that what you will,” you chime, regretting it immediately. Snoke isn’t exactly the best person to sass.

He seems to consider you for a long moment, before deciding you are no longer worth the time.

“Take her to the medical wing- I want her tested. Find out where she’s really from. In the meantime, have one of your Knights research this _Earth_.”

He stares at you as Kylo takes you by the arm to escort you from the dark room.

You watch Snoke over your shoulder, your heart pounding in your ears as his old, grey eyes lock on yours. You don’t have time to debate what lies behind them as the door slams shut only moments later.

You gasp without realizing it, reeling as Kylo escorts you along the seemingly identical corridors of the base.

“How do you navigate?” you ask, your hands shaking as you fight back shock. “Everything looks the same.”

Kylo seems to feel your growing panic, and he slows his incredible pace to allow you to breathe a little deeper. You’re thankful for the small assist, and you try and focus on his deep voice as he responds.

“Directional ability- and the hallways are marked.”

He gestures to some symbols you recognize as Basic, and you nod thoughtfully.

“Will you do me a favor?”

He’s silent, but he has finally let go of your arm so you take that as an agreeance.

“Will you just, like, talk? I’m… I’m really trying very hard to not freak out right now.”

Kylo looks at you, and you’re once again frightened by the mask on his face. You never liked masks as a child, and it carried into your adult life. There was just something _creepy_ about someone who felt the need to hide their face. Masks never brought any good.

You begin to feel dizzy, and Kylo grabs your arm once again as he tugs you into a bright white med bay.

“This is a medbay. Sit there,” he says, gesturing to a bed.

You climb onto it as a medical droid makes its way to you. Kylo delivers some instructions to it, but you can’t hear it over the rushing in your ears. The world is spinning and it barely registers that Kylo is saying your name.

“Y/N? Y/N.”

His voice fades away as the world turns black.

 

***

 

_You’re on the bridge, facing Kylo as the sun starts to burn out above. The scene carries some sort of dark familiarity, but you can’t place it. It’s like having a word on the tip of your tongue, and not being able to figure it out._

_Kylo is wearing his mask, walking toward you, and your heart slams in your chest._

_“Take the mask off, Kylo.”_

_He takes it off, dropping it next to him._

_“Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he’ll crush you. You know it’s true!”_

_The words don’t sound right coming from your mouth- they sound foreign, as if you’re lip-synching to a recording of your own voice._

_You realize after a beat that it’s because the words aren’t your own- they belong to Han Solo. What is happening?_

_“It’s too late.”_

_“No, it’s not. Your family misses you. We can run away together,” you plead, and your head spins. This is wrong. This is so wrong. Why would you run away with him?_

_“I am being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it…”_

_You can feel the panic rise in your through as your body moves without your permission._

_NO! You know how this ends. You’ve seen this!_

_You rest your hand on the blade in Kylo’s hands, and you try to fight it, but your body won’t obey you. You know he’s going to kill you._

_Your eyes meet and you know he’s about to kill you but you can’t look away. His eyes are sorrowful and beautiful, and then the blade ignites and-_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I really appreciated all the feedback and I hope you liked this chapter! I won't have time to post again until Monday, but I will be reading comments and I take every single one to heart. You guys are the best!

_Your eyes meet and you know he’s about to kill you but you can’t look away. His eyes are sorrowful and beautiful, and then the blade ignites and-_

* * *

When you wake up with a shrill shriek you’re no longer in the medbay. Instead, you’re comfortably tucked into the bed in the room Kylo had shown you before. You’re dressed in a cloth dress, what you assume must be their form of a hospital gown. It’s warm and soft, and you take a deep breath to calm your racing heart, dismissing the dream.

You’re about to roll over and return to sleep when a hand stops you.

“Don’t. You’ll pull the tube out,” Kylo’s masked voice commands evenly. You flinch away from the voice, looking at the imposing man you hadn’t noticed as he sits down on the bed next to you.

“What?” he asks, as you grimace.

“My arm hurts and your mask scares me,” you say bluntly.

“It’s meant to be intimidating,” he observes. “And your arm wouldn’t hurt if you hadn’t just tried to pull the tube out.”

“I didn’t exactly realize it was in my arm. It’s not like I did it on purpose,” you whine, still shaken from the dream.

He reaches over and places his hands gently on your arm, adjusting the tube in your arm. You expect it to hurt, but his hands soothe the pain as they cause it. It’s an interesting feeling, and you kind of don’t want it to stop.

You look up from his hands to his mask, and you wish that he would take it off. He looks up at you for a moment and then removes the mask. You wonder for a minute if it was coincidence or-

“It’s not. I can hear what you think.”

You blanche.

“What?!”

He shrugs, running a hand through his hair.

“I hear what you think. It’s odd- I’m not even trying. Your thoughts are just… persistent in the force,” he says carefully.

You think over the things that you’ve been thinking about, and your dream, and you lock eyes with Kylo. He obviously saw it all, and you cover your face with your hands in shame.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” he says quietly. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

You shake your head furiously.

“I thought you were hot and dreamed about you killing me.”

He chuckles. “I must have missed that first one…”

You tear your hands away from your eyes, looking at him in shock. He starts laughing, a sound that feels foreign to your ears, and you realize he was teasing. You move to slap him, disregarding once again the tube in your arm, but he catches your hand before you have a chance to move.

“Save your strength, princess.”

You quirk an eyebrow.

“This does not conform with my mental image of Kylo Ren, master of the fearsome Knights of Ren.”

He shrugs but doesn’t say anything, just plays with your hand.

“No, I’m serious; bear with me- you’re scary and threatening like a guard dog but then look at you right now- you’re being playful and cute. It’s precious.”

He rolls his eyes.

“Kylo Ren is not precious.”

You stick your tongue out at him.

“You are too. You literally just talked about yourself in the third person!”

He seems utterly irritated by you, and you falter. He doesn’t say anything, and you can feel the anxiety build in you. You’re afraid to speak, so you turn your face away in self-consciousness.

“Don’t,” Kylo instructs, and he brushes your hair out of your face. “It’s okay.”

You shake your head.

“I’m confused.”

“Me too,” he whispers, and he runs his hand through your hair.

You close your eyes, leaning into the touch, and you can _feel_ that he knows how good it feels for you. He keeps going, and you relax.

“What is going to happen to me?” you ask, as he continues to run his hands through your hair.

“I don’t know,” he admits. “But you will be well taken care of here- I’ll make sure of that. This room is yours as long as you want it, and Phasma and Hux has been informed of your tenure here.”

Your mind flashes to Phasma’s harsh words, and you feel Kylo tense next to you. You assume he caught that thought, and that he’s not pleased with the way Phasma reacted to you. You can’t help but think of the flash of pain you felt when Kylo searched your memories when you were found; it’s not as if he gave you a particularly warm welcome, either.

You can feel the regret rolling off him in waves, and you reach for his hands.

“I’m sorry- that was a low blow. You don’t think she hates me, do you? Because if she wants me dead I might as well jump off a cliff. No offense, but I’m _much_ more terrified of her than I am of you.”

Kylo snorts. “She has no business wanting you dead or alive. She’ll be reprimanded.”

“Do I want to know what that means?”

Kylo shakes his head, and you consider that for a moment as you feel exhaustion overtake you again. You stretch into a yawn, leaning against him as you get comfortable again. It seems intuitive- you both fit together easily, and he adjusts only slightly to make himself comfortable as you fall asleep, safe and comfortable, against him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When you wake up, Kylo is nowhere to be found and the tube is gone from your arm, so you stand and stretch and take stock, once again, of what your situation is. Despite your surreal encounter with Supreme Leader Snoke, you feel much more at ease about your situation. You’re still worried about the overall foreboding of the situation, but there isn’t really all that much you can do about it.

You take stock of the room and decide to start playing with shit. There’s something that looks vaguely like a TV, and when you turn it on it starts speaking to you in languages you don’t recognize. You laugh at it, but you play with the controls for it until it starts to Basic at you.

You don’t recognize anything that they’re saying, so you play around some more. It’s confusing, so you mash buttons until you get bored and shut it off. You’re somewhat certain that you’ve broken it- it didn’t look like the shutoff was on purpose, but you ignore it.

You’re about to find something else to break when an astromech droid comes in through the door. It beeps at you and you don’t understand binary, so you merely get out of its way. It makes its way to a panel by the TV thing, and you chuckle nervously.

“Sorry about that,” you say nervously. “I really didn’t mean to break it.”

The droid beeps in such a way that you think it’s happy, so you keep talking to it.

“I’ve never seen a droid before, and I really think you’re cool,” you blabber, telling it about your home. You talk about Earth, and how you don’t have droids yet but you have iPhones, which are cool but not as cool as droids. You talk about R2D2 and how you loved his banter with C3P0.

You’re still talking to it when a protocol droid comes in carrying food for you.

“Miss Y/L/N. Is C2-R6 bothering you?”

You shake your head, but the protocol droid still calls the little guy out of the room.

Your body is still sore and off-kilter, and you realize you’ve been sitting on the floor with the droid the entire time, so you make your way into the bathroom and decide to somehow decode how to use the shower.

It’s like diffusing a bomb.

It’s definitely a shower, but it’s like trying to figure out a how to turn a shower on in a foreign country.

It takes you a good ten minutes to get it figured out, but when you do the hot stream of water fills the room quickly. You strip from the cloth hospital gown, and step into the spray.

It’s exactly what you needed. It’s warm and perfect, and you relax instantly.

There’s soap, and you help yourself.

“…and I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man,” you sing, humming the words you don’t know. “…you push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun, but you never thought I’d run.”

You get more confident as you sing, knowing that no one can hear you. You wish you had your phone so you could play music, but you like your own voice enough that singing is fine.

“When you feel lost, scared to death, like you can't take one more step, just take my hand, together we can do it…I'm gonna love you through it…"

You shower for a long time, admittedly not wanting to get out of the warmth and into the cold. The water pressure is just perfect, and you’re in heaven.

You finally talk yourself into getting out, still singing as you go.

“Oh, if I could go back in time, when you only held me in my mind. Just a longing, gone without a trace, oh, I wish I never ever seen your face. I wish you were the one- wish you were the one that got-“

 Your voice freezes. There is a fluffy towel and change of clothes on the sink, and you know for a fact that you didn’t put it there. You can feel your whole body heat up in embarrassment. Someone had to have come in and put them there.

You shake the thought from your head. A droid must have put them there! It’s totally okay if a droid heard you sing.

You dry off and dress, wrapping your hair in the towel.

You’ve just about calmed your racing heart from the shock of seeing the towel when you step through the bathroom door and Kylo Ren is sitting on the couch.

You gasp and freeze, and you can hear him chuckle through his mask. You narrow your eyes at him.

“Please tell me you weren’t the one who just heard me sing in the shower for a half hour…”

Kylo chuckles again, and you sigh, pointing a stern finger at him.

“You will _not_ mention that to anyone.”

You figured he wouldn’t, but you _are_ a teacher and you wouldn’t dare to go without giving explicit directions.

“If you say so, Princess.”

You roll your eyes at the name, flopping down onto the couch next to him. You stare up at him, pulling a face at his mask. You can practically feel his eye roll as he reaches up to take his mask off.

“You’re so particular,” he says, letting a whine creep into his voice.

“Whatever you say,” you say. “I just think that masks are really creepy. I don’t know why you feel the need to hide your face anyway- it’s plenty scary!”

There’s a beat of quiet where you second guess yourself- he might not understand your humor.

You’re about to open your mouth and apologize, but he stops you with the force and shoves you gently off the couch.

There’s another beat of silence where you sit in shock, but then you burst out laughing, and he smiles at you.

“You were saying?” he asks, casually, leaning back against the back of the couch.

You’re laughing too hard to respond, grabbing at your stomach as you wheeze with laughter.

“You- you suck!” you finally choke out, climbing back up onto the couch and shoving him. He’s rock solid, so he doesn’t move, but when he grabs your wrists, he’s got a solid hold on you.

“You’re the worst!” you shriek and he holds you in place. “You don’t get to use the force!”

He’s smiling at you, and it surprisingly causes butterflies in your stomach.

You can _feel_ how he feels, and it’s a weird feeling. You aren’t sure what to make of the connection, and by the look on your face he isn’t either.

There’s a long beat of silence as you stop laughing and hold eye contact. You can feel the sizzle of something, and before you have time to decide if it’s fear or something else, he’s grabbing you roughly and pressing his lips to yours.

The sizzle sparks a flame, and you gasp against his lips and grab him like he’s a life preserver.

His tongue slips into your mouth, and you’re grabbing at his hair, his chest, his arms.

He’s got you close, and when you pull away to breath, out of breath as if you’ve run a marathon, you pull away only to rest your forehead against his. Your eyes lock with his, and you can hear your heart pound in your ears.

There’s passion and fire in his eyes and you breathe for a moment before the terror sets in.

“What is this?” you breathe, referring to the _connection_.

He shakes his head.

“I don’t know.”

He spends the night, which is the first time you’ve spent the night with someone in a long time. You don’t have sex, but he sleeps in bed with you.

It sends a wave of confusion through you, because you still have no idea how you got here, but it also feels _right_. Whatever connection the both of you have is, it’s something special.

Kylo tugs you closer and sighs into your neck, and you smile.

Whatever this is, it’s good.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Happy Monday!
> 
> I was blown away at the reactions and comments I got over the weekend, and I'm really thankful to each and every one of you who are commenting and reading. You're the best!
> 
> This chapter has got some drama, but I hope you like it!

* * *

 

_Whatever this is, it's good._

* * *

 

…Or, you think it is. You question it when he brings you to the medbay in the morning when you wake up. He’s skittish the whole way, and you can tell that something unpleasant is about to happen.

“Kylo, just tell me what’s going on.”

You can feel the tension rolling off him in waves, but he doesn’t answer. For a moment, your mind flashes to the dream. You’re having trouble reconciling your many views of him- murderer, dictator, son, caretaker… it makes you dizzy just entertaining the idea of him.

Hux is waiting in the medbay, and you smile at him. He’s adorable, even though he looks thoroughly annoyed by both you and Kylo.

Kylo is radiating annoyance, and you’re honestly half expecting him to grab you and drag you from the room and away from the doctors and Hux.

“I see you two have finally made it.”

You don’t miss the innuendo in his voice, but it takes a back burner to the realization that this was a planned visit, and that Kylo entirely neglected to mention it to you all evening or morning.

You turn to Kylo with suspicion, but you don’t have time to say anything before he’s turning and sweeping from the room.

“Do your job, Hux.”

You stare open mouthed after him for a moment, and you try to project your confusion at him. You have no idea if it works, but you’re soon distracted by Hux.

“Sit here,” he says, bored.

“How cool am I that I get General Armitage Hux ordering me around in the medbay?” you say, as a nurse comes over and rolls your sleeves up.

“I am here on orders,” he says, stoically.

You roll your eyes.

“I expected much more sass from you, Gener-“

The nurse slides a needle into the vein of your right arm, and you flinch in the middle of your sentence.

“Warning would have been nice,” you complain, but the woman is already moving on.

There are too many people bustling around, and it only takes you a minute to realize that this area of the medbay has been completely quarantined. There are no people in the beds around you, and all of the nurses have masks on. Hux doesn’t, but you’re still suspicious. Another nurse comes and inserts a tube through the needle, and your head starts to spin as they obviously inject something into your bloodstream.

“Wait, what’s going on?”

The room is spinning, and you start to panic.

“Wait, you can’t do this! You can’t just- you can’t-“

You can’t collect your thoughts, and the last thing you can remember is searching for Kylo with your mind before blacking out.

 

***

 

_“How dare you question me, in my….”_

_“Well, if you had-“_

_“Don’t you dare!”_

The yelling hurts your ears, and you scrunch your face up at the unpleasantness.

You refuse to open your eyes, even when the yelling stops and a hand rests gently against your check.

“Y/N, wake up.”

You don’t want to, but you can feel yourself relax against your own will. The push to relax makes you aggravated though- Kylo has no right to make you want to get up. You’re annoyed enough that you roll to the side, ripping the IV tube out of your arm. Your eyes shoot open and you swear in pain, jerking your arm close to your body and hissing as blood leaks from the site.

Kylo grabs at you but you jerk away, sitting up. You sit up too quickly, and the room spins, but when he grabs for you again you stand and back away from him.

Hux is holding his arms out to you like you’re a wounded animal, and you realize that you must look like one- you’re confused and disoriented, and obviously bleeding.

“Y/N, you need to sit down. You’re bleeding,” Kylo pleads, and you can feel him through your bond, begging.

“What happened? What did he do to me?” you ask, intending for your voice to come out strong and commanding. Instead, it comes out as a fearful whine, and tears well in your eyes without your permission.

“What did I-?” Hux starts, but Kylo silences him.

“They were preparing to do tests, and you had a bad reaction to the medication that they gave you. You passed out, so they wanted to make sure you were okay. You’ve been sedated so they could keep running tests and make sure you were okay. No one wants to hurt you.”

Hux scoffs, and you narrow your eyes at him. You want him to shut up.

Suddenly, his eyes widen, and he stops breathing. You glare at him for a long moment before you realize what’s happening and gasp. You just used the force on Armitage Hux.

The room is silent as Hux collapses to the floor, gasping for air. You look wildly around the room- Kylo is staring at you in shock, and the nurses are confused and stunned. Everyone is frozen for a moment, before all hell breaks loose.

One of the nurses reaches for you as if to grab you, and you don’t think, you act. You dodge, running out of the room and into the halls.

You act on some wild instinct, confused and overwhelmed and in search of a place to just breathe. Your feet take you the only way you really know- back to your room. You nearly collapse through the door, clamoring into the bedroom and collapsing on the bed.

You’re bloody and shaking like a leaf, sobs racking your body. You can tell that you’re exuding fear, practically screaming it, but you can’t calm down. You just accidentally tried to kill a man- you wanted him to shut up, and you were mad, but you aren’t a _murderer!_

You hear the door open and shut, and then Kylo sweeps into the room carefully. He has his helmet on and you flinch away, but he quickly removes it and lets it drop to the floor with a loud metallic clang.

You lean into him as he sits next to you, pulling you into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and your sobs slow as he holds you. He doesn’t influence your emotions, and you appreciate it, but he still manages to calm you down.

He rocks you back and forth gently, rubbing soft circles on your back.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” you say, tears soaking his shirt. “I don’t know how I’m here, or away from my job, or what’s going on back home without me. I don’t know how I did _that_ to Hux, or what I even am!” A choked sob escapes your lips and you mumble, “Just kill me.”

Kylo freezes, before gripping you tighter and pulling you to look at him. You don’t meet his eyes. And he rests a hand on the side of your face.

“Y/N… I’m sorry.” He pauses as his voice breaks. “But we will figure this out. This bond… you must be force sensitive. I can train you. We’ll stop testing for now… but please, don’t ever say that again.”

You nod, finally not shaking, and rest your head on his shoulder.

_I’m sorry._

“I know.”

There’s a beat of silence before you pull back and look at him.

“I didn’t say that out loud, did I?”

“Like I said… your thoughts are persistent in the force, Y/N. Can’t you feel it?”

You can, and you’re not sure if that’s a good thing at all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Hope you like this chapter! I really appreciate the feedback I'm getting! I haven't had time to respond because I'm so busy with school (right now I'm eating and doing homework and posting... and I have class again in 30 minutes) but I'm really thankful for every comment and kudos I get. I read every single comment and take it to heart! 
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

 

 

_“…your thoughts are persistent in the force, Y/N. Can’t you feel it?”_

_You can, and you’re not sure if that’s a good thing at all._

* * *

 

_WHAM_

You let out an anguished shriek as Kylo slams you to the mats again.

You’re huffing and puffing, exhausted from the intensely physical training you’ve begun. You weren’t exactly a martial arts master before arriving, and getting to the level of physicality Kylo apparently wants you at has been horrible. Snoke insisted that you be trained, which took most of the choice out of the deal. You’re not exactly sure that you would have agreed to it, but you’re too exhausted most of the time to contemplate the greater implications of your situation.

You’re not a fan of the First Order. It hasn’t exactly been good to you, and it makes you angry.

It works in their favor though, as anger leads to the dark side and all that. It just makes you angrier that it helps them, and the cycle feeds itself.

You hate the power that they have over you, and if it weren’t for your ever-strengthening bond with Kylo you would have attempted to escape long ago.

He helps you up off the mats, and you realize it’s finally time for training to be over for the day.

“I don’t know how you do this,” you whine. “I hate it.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t hate training, you hate being bad at it,” he says flatly. “You’ll get better as you go, I promise. You’ll like it better when you’re better at doing it.”

You shake your head. “I don’t think you understand. I don’t like working out.”

He chuckles, and shakes his head.

“I’m sure we can find _some_ kind of physical activity you’d enjoy…” 

You shriek with laughter, dodging away from him as he grabs for you.

“Back off, Ren! I’m sweaty!”

He doesn’t take the threat seriously, though, and he starts to chase you. You dodge out into the halls, running toward your room. You’re starting to get the hang of the layout of the base, and your smaller stature gives you an edge. He chases after you, and he catches you in the doorway to your room, pulling you in as he lifts you into his arms.

You’re laughing nearly uncontrollably as he throws you onto the bed, and you don’t even have the energy to fight back when he tickles you and presses kisses to your neck.

“I hate you!” you shriek, and he laughs against your collarbone.

“You do not,” he argues. “I can feel your emotions, remember?”

You know all too well. You can feel the love he has for you through the bond, and you know that you’re practically shouting your feelings at him. It gives you a small degree of anxiety, but as he holds you on the bed, you know you’re too far gone for worry.

You’re happy, and it’s such a weird feeling. You never expected to find happiness with Kylo Ren, but as he leans down and presses a sweet kiss to your smiling lips you know you wouldn’t give it up for the world.

 

* * *

 

 

You’re training with him much later when it all goes downhill. He slams you forcefully down on the mats, nearly knocking the wind out of you as you drop your training blade.

It’s been a long day of training, and you’re angry and tired. You haven’t been given a break in days, because Snoke wasn’t happy with your progress. He felt you were enjoying the strengthening bond too much, and that you should start to work at using it to make the both of you stronger. It’s causing strain between you and Kylo, and it’s making your emotions fried.

“Get up,” he insists, and you groan at him but he grabs you and drags you up anyway.

“You need to focus. This is training, it isn’t meant to be pleasant.”

You round on him.

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

You know you’re letting your rage get the better of you, but if he wants a fight you’ll give it.

You grip your training blade in your hand and attack, fueled less by technique and attention to training and more by sheer unadulterated rage. Your exhausted has made you beyond angry, and you see a flash of shock on Kylo’s face before he returns your parries expertly.

He pushes you back, grunting, “Stop fighting with rage. Pay attention to technique, Y/N. This is weak!”

The word drives one more stake of anger into you, and you lunge forward. You catch him off guard, slamming him into the ground. His practice blade burns through your sleeve, burning into the flesh of your arm, but you don’t move- you press yours to his chest, singing his shirt as his eyes widen.

“I’m _done_ for today,” you growl, deactivating the blade and throwing it forcefully to the ground.

You stalk out of the room, rage rolling off of you in waves. Your newly burned arms hurt, and the pain only serves to make you angrier- at yourself and at Kylo. You make your way to your room, where Kylo’s been staying with you, and turn the shower on as hot as you can stand.

The water washes away your anger, and you mull over your actions. The burn on your arm hurts, but you let the water wash over it anyway. It’s your own fault- you shouldn’t have been so brash.

You sit on the floor of the shower, enjoying the steam and pretending for a minute that you’re back home in your apartment, taking a shower before bed. In your fantasy, it’s a school night so you’re going to bed early. You include Kylo in the fantasy, only much less demanding and with no hard-physical training.

It’s perfect.

“Oh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise. I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you,” you sing softly to yourself, letting the water run down your face.

_“I don’t love you but I always will…”_

 

* * *

 

 

Kylo doesn’t come for you immediately, and you aren’t surprised. You can feel his emotions through the bond, and you can feel that he’s mad at you. You say a quick prayer for whatever poor souls wander into his path, and you can only hope that he’s at least a little bit forgiving.

You’ve fucked up.

It’s frustrating, trying to balance your emotions. You’re being taught by quite possibly the most emotional person ever, and you know that when he was being trained by Luke Skywalker he must have had similar troubles to you. He’s not understanding, though, and that’s what infuriates you. He’s off slamming shit around and throwing a fit because he’s mad at you, but you get mad in training and you’re the worst trainee to ever exist.

It’s one more frustration on the list of already existing grievances.

You can’t live without Kylo, and it pisses you off. Even now, as he’s raging off somewhere in the building, you can feel yourself sending calm to him through your bond. It’s your nature to try to balance him out- you want him to be happy, because he makes you happy. The loss of personal control is a major annoyance.

You also can’t get over the fact that you’re training under the First Order, who are a very fine line away from being glorified space-Nazis. You hate them all, and part of you wishes you had gone ahead and killed Hux that day in the medbay.

The ethics of the First Order are deplorable. They treat their soldiers like dirt, and they treat their non-military employees worse. You can’t help but think of all of the Finn’s in the Order, who might not get so lucky.

You think about Leia a lot, and you try to conceal it from Kylo even though you know it bothers him that you’re hiding something.

You just wish you could meet her. She’s been such an idol for so long, that to be in her universe and with her son is magical and so torturous.

You wish you were with the resistance sometimes, and you know that if Kylo ever knew of your little desire he’d be forced to kill you. The Order doesn’t appreciate traitors, especially ones they know are force-sensitive.

You sit on the floor and decide to meditate. Maybe you’ll actually figure something out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks! Hope you liked it!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now about a book that I don't really enjoy, so I did this instead. Hope you like it! (And don't tell my English professor...)

* * *

 

_You sit on the floor and decide to meditate. Maybe you’ll actually figure something out._

* * *

You don’t figure anything out by the time that you’re ready to sleep, and it’s disappointing. You can still feel Kylo’s anger at you, though much duller now than earlier.

You regret your actions. You’re being childish, and you’re behaving like one of your third graders. You have no right to be so upset without actually talking about anything. It’s not like you to behave like this, and you’re worried that the training really will start to influence your personality and your relationship with Kylo. You just wish he’d talk to you, and you mope around longer than you should before getting into bed.

It hurts when you realize he isn’t coming. You know that he can feel your apology and your hurt, and that he still doesn’t want to rectify the situation.

_I’m sorry._

You know he feels it, but he doesn’t respond; you can only feel the anger rolling off him.

_Please._

There’s silence from him, and you resign yourself to loneliness for the night. You did act like a crazy person, and the burns on your arms are a reminder of how childish you were. You don’t blame him for wanting time away from you.

You’re nearly asleep when the door opens, and you can feel his presence enter the room. You don’t want to speak, but you know he’ll call you out if you try and pretend to be asleep. You just sit up instead and stare at him.

“I’m sorry,” you finally say, as he takes off his helmet and starts to undress.

He doesn’t say anything, just slides into bed next to you as you start to sniffle. When he wraps his arms around you, the tears start to fall.

“I’m-“

He shushes you, still not speaking. He holds you close, and the bond feels right.

It feels right. You feel like something important has returned to you; what’s lost has been found, and you can rest easy. He isn’t speaking, but you can feel that he isn’t mad at you anymore, and that he’s content with holding you. You feel calm and safe, and you know in that moment that you are absolutely, completely and utterly fucked.

* * *

You abruptly get the next day free from training, and you’re sure that it’s by Kylo’s permission rather than Snoke’s.

Kylo spends the day with you, holding you close as you watch shows on the TV-thing (that you still aren’t allowed to touch). You don’t really understand them, but it’s fine. You know that Kylo enjoys mindlessly watching it, and you enjoy the background noise as you sit with him. You’re content to just be lazy, especially with how incredibly difficult your training has been.

“Why do you tolerate me?” you ask, as you’re laying against his chest.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” he says, chuckling.

“You tolerate me,” you remind him. “And I can’t fathom why. I mean, I know we have the bond but you could still just ignore me- or even hate me! I push your buttons, and I know that I’m good at it because I can feel your reaction to the things that I say. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t hate me.”

He scoffs, and you can feel his slight irritation as he shakes his head.

“Don’t ever say that. I love you.”

You sit up and turn to face him.

“What?”

He chuckles. “Are you really so obtuse that you can’t _feel_ it? I love you, Y/N.”

He turns back to the TV, leaving you open-mouthed and staring at him.

“You love me?”

He laughs and pulls you roughly back down to lay on him.

“Yes, idiot.”

* * *

The training doesn’t get easier, even after Kylo’s admittance on your day off. It stays intense and rough and you hate it more and more.

You know that it’s making you behave differently.

You snap more often, and you’re always grouchy. You yell more, and you glare more, and it’s nothing you’ve ever felt before. You’ve always thought of yourself as a nice person, and you can’t reconcile this new, angry, violent version of yourself with the one that holds the hands of third graders and makes macaroni art.

It makes you even more miserable to know that the training is changing you, and that misery makes you act even more differently. It’s an endless cycle of frustration and anger, and it’s proving detrimental to your training.

“You need to focus,” Kylo commands, swearing as you try to absorb the impact of one of his parries, instead collapsing under the force and falling roughly to the mat.

You’re too tired, but you force yourself to get up. It won’t change anything if you whine, so you grit your teeth and get up. Snoke is watching; he requested that he be able to watch all of your training on hologram after the incident with the training blades. You know that one wrong step will mean trouble, and the last person you want trouble from is Snoke. It’s bad enough that Hux hates you for trying to murder him, and that Phasma hates you for existing.

You train for what seems like days straight, always ending up on the mat, out of breath and motivation. You can tell that Kylo is frustrated with your lack of progress. You apparently showed volatile potential when you almost murdered Hux, and they want to recreate that power.

You can tell that they’ve decided to try a new strategy when you wake up a few days later and Kylo is gone. It only gets more suspect when Phasma comes to get you before training with three Stormtroopers. You narrow your eyes at her.

“Where is Kylo?”

Phasma ignores you, and your annoyance grows.

By the time you get to the training room, you don’t even care that Kylo isn’t waiting for you. You’d fight a brick wall at this point.

You round on Phasma, seeing red.

“What the fuck is going on?”

She throws you a practice blade, and you ignite it without question.

“Commander Ren is busy today. You will train with me, and my men.”

You launch yourself at her, and she draws a staff. She moves to block, but the force of your anger makes you go berserk. The force of your attack splits the staff, sending splinters across the room.

She rolls away, but you don’t stop to breathe. You move to attack again.

You attack and attack, easily subduing the troopers who try to step in.

You’re distracted for a short moment, and you realize Kylo is standing in the room, watching. The sight of him makes you furious, and you round on Phasma again.

You’re tired of this. You’re tired of being manipulated and lied to for the gains of others. You want to kill her. You drop the training blade, lunging at her and taking her to the ground as the force spreads through your hands and into her body. You watch the purple shocks of electricity shake her body, and the rushing in your ears blocks out all other sound.

You want her dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EL OH EL CLIFFHANGER.   
> I hate cliffhangers when writers do them to me, but I couldn't resist. New chapter will be posted tomorrow! I'll do it either during my lunch break or after I finish class at 4. Until then, don't hate me! I promise it'll be resolved in due time. 
> 
> As always, thanks so much for the feedback! I love hearing from you guys!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Hope you like it! Happy almost Friday!

* * *

 

_Y_ _ou watch the purple shocks of electricity shake her body, and the rushing in your ears blocks out all other sound._

_You want her dead._

* * *

You don’t kill her.

Kylo steps in, physically removing you from the situation. He pulls you away, freezing you with the force and blanking your mind long enough to drag you away from her.

He drags you from the room, where you round on him.

“How fucking dare you?”

You’re angry beyond belief, and it’s like the happiness you’ve been brought by this whole experience is washed away to reveal something altogether disgusting. You feel manipulated- your feelings have been used against you at nearly every turn, and you’re confused by everything. The only emotion that feels clear and right is anger, and you focus everything you have on it.

He recoils, and you can’t see his face but you can feel his shock.

“How _dare you_ lie to me, and manipulate me?” you scream at him. “You fucking communist _assholes_ are all the same! I don’t want this!”

You gesture to yourself, your black training outfit clinging to your sweaty body.

“I don’t want to be a fucking dark Jedi, you dick!”

He grabs your wrist.

“Y/N-“

You jerk away from him, anger only compounding from your incident with Phasma. She’s wanted you out of the way since you got here- you haven’t exactly received a warm welcome. And he _knew_ that she wanted you dead- how could he let her be the one to train you? If he really cared about you, how in the universe could he think it would be a good idea for her to be the one with you?

You hated the training anyway, but to be forced to train with a woman that hates you while he _watches…_ You’re so angry.

“I hate you. _I hate you!_ Do you know who I looked up to _Ben?_ Your mother! I grew up with stories of Leia Organa. She is the _reason_ I am who I am! And instead of helping her, and meeting her, I’m here with a bunch of asshole space-dictators who think they’re hot shit! _You’re all assholes!”_ you shriek, pushing him away from you with the force.

He’s obviously stunned by the rage you’re emitting- you’ve been angry before, but it’s usually fueled by panic. This anger is fueled by something deeper- you really would have killed Phasma if you got the chance, and your hands are still twitching and tingling with the possibility of violence.

“You killed your _father_ , Ben! You killed him because you loved him and Snoke told you that made you weak! What does that mean for me? Does that mean my days are numbered? What’s the fucking point of staying here if you’re just going to murder me whenever Snoke tells you to! For fucks sake, I’m in _love with you!_ ”

You can feel the bond between you ripple, and it hurts but you don’t care.

Your mind won’t stop flashing to the dream that you had during your first week here- you still feel the raw pain of looking him in the eyes as he murders you. Part of you, the part with the rage and hate, can’t help but believe that he’s going to kill you in the same way he brutally murdered his father.

You should have known better than to let yourself stay in this situation- training with the First Order was a mistake.

You’ve been treating your life like a video game- it doesn’t matter if you pick light or dark, because you’ll come out on top. But this isn’t a video game- this is real life, and your actions are impacting real people. You’re turning into someone you’re not, and for what? Some douchebag dictator whose misguided desire for power and control goes against everything you’ve ever known or loved.

You think back to Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan, and your hero-worship of the Jedis from the Clone Wars. You remember your love and adoration for Padme and Leia, and how the dark side was horrible for splitting up such a family. You remember rewinding the movies as a kid, watching Leia stand up to Darth Vader again and again.

The Skywalkers deserved better than the dark side, and so do you.

You leave and he doesn’t stop you. You can feel, even through the burning heat of the bond, that he’s in pain. You wonder if the burning is caused by him, but you don’t care.

You want him to hurt.

You won’t stop thinking at him- images of Padme and Leia and all that they meant to you. You want him to regret the First Order’s very existence. You blame him for your feelings, and you hate him for his worship of Darth Vader. Darth Vader is the reason for all of the suffering you’ve seen in your beloved stories, and the man you love worships him. It’s disgusting, and you want him to know it.

You don’t know where to go in your rage.

You don’t have a lightsaber yet- you haven’t been able to make one, so you know there’s no point in fighting. Still, you make your way to the hangar bay on some blind force of rage.

There are Stormtroopers guarding the ships you don’t know how to fly, but you move almost mechanically. You just want to leave.

“You will let me take a ship,” you say, concentrating on the Stormtrooper in front of you. You can’t see his face, and you have no idea whether or not your attempt is working. You hope your anger will power you through.

You’re genuinely surprised when it works and he doesn’t shoot you or detain you.

You still don’t know how to pilot a ship, but your rage is fueling you to move blindly. If you have to take a hostage to fly you away, you aren’t above it.

You pick a ship at random, not caring what it looks like. You just want to leave.

There’s a droid in the ship, and you tilt your head at it.

“Wait a minute… You’re the droid from my room! You’re C2-R6! I don’t suppose you can pilot this thing, little guy?”

The droid makes a vague series of beeps you don’t understand, but then the doors are closing and the ship is slowly rising. You wonder for a minute if it’s luck or the force, but when you think back to Kylo in the base below, you hope the force stays out of the equation.

Your hands are shaking with the anger still coursing through you, and you close your eyes. You try to take deep breaths- you’re leaving. You’re getting what you want. Why won’t the rage go away?

You sit in the cockpit, and you figure that the controls are similar to flying a plane. You’ve never flown a plane either, but you figure it can’t be that hard.

“Hey, is there a way to set the autopilot?”

The droid beeps in a high-pitched tone, and you take that to mean yes.

“I want to go to D’Qar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm the worst. But it's okay! Because there's more to come, I promise. Thank you guys SO MUCH for all of the feedback you've been giving. I'm so incredibly fortunate to be able to write for you guys.  
> Thank you! I hope you're all having a lovely day!


	9. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been kicking my ass trying to post it. My parents' wifi is awful and I've been struggling with it for so long. I'm so sorry this is taking so long! I'll edit and post more tomorrow when I'm back on University Wifi.   
> As always, I love you guys!

_“Hey, is there a way to set the autopilot?”_

_The droid beeps in a high-pitched tone, and you take that to mean yes._

_“I want to go to D’Qar.”_

* * *

When you get to D’Qar, they aren’t exactly happy to see you. To be fair, you’re in a First Order ship and when they asked for your call sign and who you were you couldn’t find the button to respond. You’re lucky they didn’t shoot you out of the sky.

When you leave the ship, you put your hands up. They grab you roughly and press you up against the side of your ship, and you recognize one of the men as Poe Dameron.

You gasp when you see him, and he points his gun a little higher at you.

“You’re Poe Dameron,” you say, in awe. “Wait! That means Leia Organa is here. I need to speak with her. Please!”

The man with a hold on your right arm pushes you back up against the ship and you grunt.

“Ow! Listen, I can explain everything. It’s too complicated for me to just say right now! Please, just take me to her. I’m unarmed!”

They pat you down, and you don’t even complain when the guy gets handsy.

Poe Dameron is looking at you suspiciously, and you nod once to him.

“Thank you.”

He finally calls the guys off you, instructing them instead to deal with the ship you managed to land clumsily.

He guides you into the base, underground, and you’re struck by how vaguely threatening it feels. You feel like an enemy here, and it makes you queasy. For a minute, you worry if leaving the First Order was a bad decision. You can still feel the anguish in the bond, and you can only hope that he can’t sense where you are through it.

When you’re brought before General Organa, you start word vomiting.

“I’m from a planet that doesn’t exist, and I escaped the First Order, who I was only with because I somehow got brought there from another universe, and I’m in love with your son.”

She looks at Poe, clearly questioning why he brought someone absolutely insane to speak to her.

“No, I’m sorry,” taking a deep breath to calm yourself. You were trained better than this.

“I’m sorry, I know that that came out wrong, and that this must be confusing. I mean to say that I know it sounds crazy, but I’m from a different universe. I fell asleep in my home and when I woke up I was in the headquarters of the First Order.”

Poe Dameron looks suddenly interested in you, and Leia folds her arms in front of her on the table.

“Go on.”

You explain your interaction with Snoke, and your sudden discovery of your force sensitivity. You take a deep breath when she asks more.

“Why did you leave?”

You don’t meet her eyes for the first time. You can’t bear to watch her face- you look up to her so much.

“Well, it was your son. I’m… I’m in love with him. And I’m certain that our bond has something to do with that; Snoke will eventually see it as a weakness. I was… I was afraid that he’d kill me like, like-“ Your voice breaks when you try to talk about Han.

You take a deep breath, still not looking at Leia.

“He was training me, and it was changing me. It was making me a different person- General, I’m a schoolteacher,” you say, stress coloring your voice as you finally look up. She and Poe are hanging on every word. “I spend most of my time with eight-year-old’s. Teaching is what makes me _happy_ and I like being happy; I can’t- I can’t be a monster, and I can’t live with so much rage. I had to leave, I had to-“

You choke up, trying to explain to her your feelings. She’s such an intimidating, powerful woman. You watched her mother’s strength, and you grew up with her strength and dignity being a guiding light for you.

She reaches over and rests a hand on yours, and it all feels so real. You suddenly realize how brash you must look, and how impulsive your decision must have been. You’re covered in blood and bruises from the fight with Phasma and her men, and you know that your hair and face are a mess. You can feel how disheveled you look, and it makes you ashamed.

“I shouldn’t have come,” you say, trying not to shake. “I shouldn’t have brought this to you. You’ve been through so much, I-“

You can tell you’re starting to panic, and Leia gives Poe a look.

“You’re welcome here, Y/N. We’ll discuss this further when you’ve had rest. Poe, please find her a room.”

Poe guides you gently from the room, and he doesn’t even seem to care when you freak out. He hums as he guides you down the halls, a comforting hand on your arm. He’s light, and you feel it thickly in the force through the haze of your burning bond.

He brings you to a room and lets you in, and blissfully leaves you alone with instructions of how to call if you need him or the General.

When you are alone, your body collapses to the floor and you gasp in air. You feel like you’re suffocating, and you can feel your bond with Kylo twist and burn hot.

You can feel him reaching out, and you cry out in pain, grabbing at your chest as if you could rip out and make it go away.

“Please stop,” you gasp aloud, hoping you’re translating it through the bond. “Make it stop, please. Please make it stop.”

The pain doesn’t stop. Your entire body collapses on the floor as the pain of the bond takes your consciousness away.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm so sorry I didn't post yesterday- my roommate fell down the stairs of our dorm and I was busy dealing with it all day. It's been a hell of a week, and it's only Tuesday!

* * *

 

_“Please stop,” you gasp aloud, hoping you’re translating it through the bond. “Make it stop, please. Please make it stop.”_

_The pain doesn’t stop. Your entire body collapses on the floor as the pain of the bond takes your consciousness away._

* * *

 

When you wake up, you’re in a medbay and you nearly freak out before you realize that you aren’t with the Order, and that no one is going to pump drugs into you or try to hurt you.

“Ah, you’re awake,” Leia says, walking into the room.

You can feel the bond you have with Kylo ripple and you gasp, your vision blurring as you can see the hallways of the base, and a red lightsaber and the panels exploding as Kylo takes his rage out on others. He’s so angry at seeing his mother and he’s angry at you for leaving and-

“Y/N!” Leia says sternly, and you gasp, grasping at your chest.

“I could see through his eyes,” you gasp, as you realize you’re crying. “He’s angry. He knows I’m here and he’s mad at me. This isn’t good, General. I shouldn’t have come.”

You try to get up but she pushes you down.

“Don’t tax yourself. You’ll need your strength.”

You take that to mean something bad is going on, and your heart sinks.

“Why?”

“I think that there is more to your bond than love. I think your bond is the reason you’re here, and that being so far away is physically effecting you. The medical droids have been testing you all night, after Dameron found you, and the results seem to confirm my theory. The longer you spend away from my son, the worse your body and mind will be.”

You sit in shock for a moment, and your hands shake.

“So, I have to go back.”

Your voice sounds pathetic even to you. You can’t help but selfishly want to stay. You don’t care if it will kill you, but you know deep down that if you stay it might bring harm to those on the base. If you’re imploding like a dying star, there’s no need to suck others into the black hole that’s left.

“I haven’t decided yet know to proceed, but I know that you can’t stay away from him forever.”

Tears start slipping down your face, and you sit in silence. You can feel Kylo through the bond, and you can feel that he’s still in pain. Now that you’ve been away, you’re starting to regret leaving. You were selfish, and crass. It hurts you to know that you are the cause of the pain that you’re both feeling. You’ve always been a talker, and you should have at least attempted to talk to Kylo about it.

You try to reach out through the bond, but you have no idea if he can even feel it. You still focus, closing your eyes even though Leia is looking at you. You feel his resistance to it, but you hope he can still feel you.

_Being apart is killing me- literally killing me. I’m sorry, Kylo. I’m sorry._

You don’t feel anything back, just the dull burning of your bond, and you open your eyes with a sigh.

“He doesn’t want anything to do with me, General.”

As the words leave your mouth, you get an overwhelming sense of dread. Your eyes lock with Leia’s, and you can see in her eyes that she feels it too.

“Someone’s here.”

 

* * *

 

 

The wannabe assassin is caught easily a decent distance away from the base. He’s dragged, swearing and screaming with his eyes covered, into the holding cells. You stand with Poe as they escort him down.

“I shouldn’t be here,” you acknowledge. “The droid probably transmitted my location, and-“

Poe shakes his head and cuts you off before you can fully panic. “That’s not you. He’s a bounty hunter- they show up intermittently trying to find the base. He got pretty close, but he’ll be dealt with before he can share the info. Plus, the little droid isn’t transmitting anything. The thing’s enamored- we tried to get information out of it about the First Order and it just offered it up. The thing’s more loyal to you than anything. Don’t sweat it, kid.”

You shake your head. “I’m not a kid, Dameron.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” he teases, and he actually succeeds in lightening your mood.

As you spend more time on the base, you realize that Poe Dameron is somewhat of a different creature. He never fails to make you smile, and it’s no small feat; you find yourself seeking him out when you’re in an awful mood.

Just watching him do minor repairs on his X-Wing while he talks to you, C2-R6, and BB-8 is enough to take you out of your thoughts.

“So, tell me again about this class of yours,” he says, as you take your usual seat on the ladder to the cockpit.

You laugh, the sound still foreign to your ears. It’s not a whole laugh, and the constant burning of your bond with Kylo reminds you why.

“They’re children, Dameron. They’re the best things in the universe.”

He laughs. “If you say so!”

You scoff, playfully indignant. “Hey! It’s true. Children aren’t tainted yet- they’re still just so perfect. Everything that they say is genuine, you know? I once had a student tell me that if he got to pick a mom, he’d pick me over his own.”

“Oh? So, you’re poaching children from their mothers?” he teases.

You laugh again. “No! His mother had left the family- separated from her husband and remarried. She didn’t want anything to do with her kids, and the kids felt that. She was pretty much the worst, and it meant a lot for me to know that my student loved me so much. I’m lucky to be able to love so many little people so much, you know?”

You sigh, remembering your classroom. “I like to think that if I even made just one kid’s life a little better with my teaching and my love for them, I did my job as best I could.”

Poe steps out from under the X-Wing to look at you.

“You really love teaching, don’t you?”

You nod feverishly.

“It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.”

He stares at you for a long moment before nodding once.

“It suits you.”

You laugh, using the force to push him gently.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

You banter with him for a while, comfortable despite the constant burning pain from the bond you still share with Kylo. You can still feel his pain, and you wish you could solve it. You feel helpless, as the General still hasn’t told you what to do, and the bond is a constant reminder of your childishness.

Your mind drifts to the wannabe assassin from a few weeks prior. It still nags at you for some reason you can’t place, and you’re curious about it.

“Did we find anything out about that bounty hunter?”

Poe shakes his head, and holds his hand out. You pass him a tool, and he gives you an incredulous look, setting it down and grabbing the one he really wanted.

“Nope,” he says, resuming his work under the X-Wing. “So far he’s not talking. General Organa has even had words with him. We know he came from the First Order, which is something, but not much else.”

“How did they find him? No one ever told me how it happened,” you ask, curiously.

“When his ship entered the planet, he declared a call sign that doesn’t exist. When he was pressed further, he cut off comms and landed anyway. They caught him in the woods a few yards from his ship.”

You shake your head.

“I’m just glad that they caught him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Midterms are WRECKING me and it's pretty awful. However, I've got good news! Only one more chapter to go, but there WILL be a sequel!  
> Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with me this far. This chapter is pretty wild, and I'm not super happy with it, but I hope you all like it!

_You shake your head._

_“I’m just glad that they caught him.”_

* * *

 

You’re supposed to be in bed, but you’re pacing instead. Something feels off, and you can’t tell if it’s the burning of the bond or something bigger.

The idea of the bounty hunter is nagging at you. It seems so easy for them to have found him so close to his ship, and for him to have been so obvious in entering the planet’s atmosphere. You're not convinced that a professional killer could make such obvious mistakes trying to infiltrate a Resistance base.

It nags at you and, despite your exhaustion, you can’t sleep.

You’re so tired and worked up that you don’t sense the blaster bolt coming.

It smashes through the glass of your window, burning the wall by you. You shriek, rounding on the window as a man in black robes enters the room with a blaster. You recognize the insignia of the First Order, and you’re so shocked by the idea of Kylo sending someone to murder you that it barely registers that you should protect yourself.

The masked man fires at you as you recoil, and you only have enough reflex to block two blaster bolts. It’s chaos as your door opens, Poe Dameron charging in with other Resistance members and firing on the man as he escapes through the window. You collapse to your knees, lights flashing around you as you realize that the assassin fired three times.

Your hands drift to your abdomen, feeling the wound as the world starts to spin and twist.

You don’t have enough energy to speak out loud, so you focus your energy on the bond.

_How could you? How could you have me killed? I love you, Kylo. I’m sorry I left and you know that! You didn’t need to have me killed. I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Kylo._

_I’m sorry…_

* * *

 

 

When you open your eyes, you’re sitting on your couch in your apartment.

Your jaw drops open as your eyes catch on the empty wine bottle on the table, and you realize it was all a dream.

Then, you hear the yelling.

“Miss Y/L/N, open up, or we’re coming in!”

You look down and you see yourself, eyes closed and vomit on the floor. The phone in your hand is on, still on the line with 911 despite your clear incapacitation.

The door breaks open, slamming apart with a crash as the fire department and EMTs make their way into your apartment.

You stand from the couch, backing away from your body as they run over, and someone starts CPR.

“She’s not breathing!”

“Dilated pupils- she called in for a headache. She’s probably had an aneurism, but she’s so young-“

“We need to get her to OR!”

Your head swims with the shock of what’s happening.

_“Excuse me, what’s going on?”_ you ask, your voice sounding like it belongs to someone else. No one can hear you though, and you follow them out as they take your body downstairs and into an ambulance.

You climb into the ambulance with your body, sitting in the corner and out of the way. The EMTs move around you, doing work on you that you don’t recognize. You feel numb, mostly just confused. Was it all a dream, caused by some sort of freak brain aneurism?

You squeeze your eyes shut, and for a moment you’re standing in the medbay at the Resistance base. You glance at your body, a deep wound in your abdomen, before making eye contact with Leia.

“ _Y/N?”_

You’re pulled from the Resistance base as the ambulance makes its way into the ER, and you follow your body into hospital. You don’t follow yourself into the OR- you’ve always been grossed out by the sight of blood, and you can’t imagine it would be pleasant to watch your body be operated on.

You wander the halls instead, wondering what is happening. 

The halls are sterile and frightening, and white in a way that nothing is in the world you just returned from- or, in your dream. 

_"Can someone please tell me what's going on?"_ you ask, yelling in your frustration. 

“I can,” a voice says, and you turn your head. An old woman is sitting on a bench, and she pats the seat next to her.

You sit down, asking, “How can you hear me? No one else can hear me, and I think I’m dead.”

She shakes her head. “You aren’t dead, sweetie. You’re on the verge.”

She gestures to the room ahead of you, and you look through the open door to the woman lying in bed- it’s the same woman sitting next to you.

You shake your head, panic settling in your chest.

“This can’t be real.”

She pats you on the shoulder.

“It’s very real, sweetie. I’ve been around for almost three years; I’ve seen a lot of vergers come through.”

“Vergers?”

“People like us- on the verge of death. You’re special, though, dearie. You’re being given a choice between two lives.”

It makes a weird bit of sense- you have to pick between both universes.

“It’s happened before, though rarely,” she says. “You’ve got to pick. The other world holds your soulmate, and this world holds everything you’ve known. You can only have one.”

She shakes her head, sighing. “I don’t envy the choice, but I’m here if you have questions.”

Your head is swimming, and you watch as a young woman enters her room.

She turns to you and smiles sadly. “My daughter. She’s the only one who still visits, and only once a month. I’d go see if you’re out of the OR- your family might have some things to say to you.”

You nod, and she stands to go accompany her daughter. You watch as she rests her hand on the young woman’s, whose hands are resting on the body of the old woman. The sight hurts your heart, and you turn to make your way to yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

_You watch as she rests her hand on the young woman’s, whose hands are resting on the body of the old woman. The sight hurts your heart, and you turn to make your way to yourself._

 

* * *

 

When you find yourself, you’re out of the operating room but obviously not out of the woods.

You’re plugged into a great deal of machines, and you can tell you’re on obvious life support. It’s a surreal moment, staring at your pale face as a machine makes you breathe. You watch yourself breathe for what feels like a long time, contemplating your choice.

You’re in love with Kylo. You know that he needs you- your bond is obvious evidence that he cares about you.

You’re still confused about the person trying to kill you. Realistically, it could have been any number of people who wanted you dead. The bond with Kylo wasn’t exactly secret, and there is a laundry list of people who might want to abuse your bond to get at Kylo.

Can you die in that world without ever knowing who tried to kill you? You’re not one to leave things unfinished, and you can’t help but wonder at the way things are developing there without you. Did Kylo really want you dead? Was it Hux? You have no doubt that Snoke had a hand in it either way.

You also have to consider Kylo’s fate. Will he completely abandon the light if you die? You’re not sure you can handle that on your conscience the rest of your life.

You’re interrupted from your thoughts as the door opens, and you turn your head as your parents clamor into the room. Your dad holds your mom as she nearly collapses at the sight of you, sobbing.

“I’m so sorry baby,” she cries, as your dad pulls up a chair for her. You watch tears stream down his face, and your heart clenches.

“I’m so sorry we weren’t there,” your mom cries, her voice choked as she takes your hand, careful of the IV sticking out of it.

“ _It’s okay, Momma,”_ you say, even though you know she can’t hear you.

You watch as your parents sit with you, talking and praying quietly. You aren’t bitter that they weren’t here for you, but there is still a whirlwind of emotion as you watch them cry for you. Sure, they haven’t always been around, but they have always loved you and been proud of you. Could you abandon that kind of love for a person you had, until recently, always assumed was fictional?

It hurts your heart, but you can’t look away until the old woman from before stands in the doorway.

“I’m sorry you’ve got to make this decision, sweetie,” she says, and you realize you’re crying.

“How can I choose?” you say, shaking, and she wraps her arms around you.

“I can’t make your choice for you,” she says. “It comes down to what you value most- where you see most of a future. Here, you will never find your soulmate if you stay… but there, you will never see your family again.”

You feel like vomiting, but you aren’t even sure if you can.

 

* * *

 

It takes days of wandering the cold, sterile hallways of the hospital, but you finally make your decision.

You go to the old woman, and ask her how to wake up.

She smiles gently at you.

“I’m proud of you, sweetie.”

 

* * *

 

You wake from your coma with a start, sucking in a deep breath and sitting up.

“Y/N!” a female voice yells, and arms are thrown around your neck. “You’re awake!”

You gasp for breath, the feeling of inhabiting a physical body again being admittedly weird. You examine your hands, flexing them and holding them in front of your face as you grapple with the reality of your choice.

It was so hard.

Tears start to fall, and you shake against Leia’s body.

You know that she can feel your grief, and she pulls back to look at you.

“What is it?”

You don’t have the strength to tell her, instead sobbing and wrapping your arms around yourself.

You feel broken, and it isn’t until the door slides open and a distraught Kylo enters that you start to feel a little more whole.

“Y/N,” he breathes, and you can feel his relief and love through your bond.

It hits you like a ton of bricks, and you silently hold out your arms as he collapses against you. Neither of you speak, just holding each other as you cry. You needed him. You needed this.

The bond feels right, and the burning you’ve grown accustomed to starts to calm. You feel _right_ in his arms, and you know that it was all worth it.

You couldn’t bear to live without him.

It’s going to be a long road to recovery, and you know it will include telling him the choice you made.

You know it will be hard, even harder than the training you were forced to do, but you’re willing to do it.

 

You made this choice, and you don’t regret it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy sh*t. I'm so, so thankful to each and every one of you. Thank you so much for every kudos and comment. You are all amazing!   
> I'm working on the sequel now, and I will hopefully be ready to start posting by the time I go home for spring break! 
> 
> Thank you, so so much!


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